It
was a sunny school morning and I was walking Magoo to the bus stop. I don’t
often walk him to the school bus. He’s in second grade and pretty independent
and I’m usually busy getting myself and his sisters ready. I’m semi-nocturnal
and I sleep later than I should most mornings.
When
it’s time for school, he says goodbye and heads up the hill to the bus.
As
we got half way to the bus, Magoo reached out and grabbed my hand in an
uninhibited way that I knew wouldn’t happen many more times. How many
12-year-old boys do you see swinging hands happily with their mommies?
I
squeezed his hand, felt the rare Seattle sun on my face, and told him I loved
him. I was nearly perfectly happy. Nearly.
Just
at that moment, the thought came into my mind, That’s awesome that you’re
walking him to the bus stop and putting on this “mother of the year” act today.
What about yesterday and the day before that? You hardly ever walk him to the
bus. He’s probably holding your hand because he’s so desperate for the love and
attention you haven’t been showing him. My bubble had burst. I am a
crap mom, I thought, as I looked down into his smiling face. Then another
thought came. Kathryn. What is wrong with you? You are being an awesome mom
in this moment. Your child is happy. You are loving him and caring for him.
He’s well fed and dressed. You’re walking to the bus stop in the early morning
and you’re already wearing a bra for heck’s sake. Do not rob yourself of this
moment’s joy because of what you failed to do yesterday or what you fear you
might not do tomorrow. This started me thinking of all the times I do
something good while beating myself up for all the times I haven’t been
perfect.
You’re
worshiping in the temple? Woopty freakin do! How long has it been since you
came here last? When are you likely to come again? You’re not good at this.
This is a fluke.
Wow. So you cleaned the kitchen today.
Want a cookie? That dirty rag has been on the counter for a week and those
dishes you so righteously cleaned are from breakfast three days ago. You are
embarrassing.
That
was really nice of you to offer to watch your friend’s kids while she had
surgery. Remember last week when you knew your neighbor was suffering from
depression and you drove right by with a wave because you did not want to get
sucked into the drama? You don’t really care about people. Not all the time.
How
destructive are these kinds of thoughts?
As
I said goodbye to Magoo and started to walk back home, my mind started to
shift.
Drops
of Awesome! I thought. Every time you do something good,
something kind, something productive, it’s a drop in your Bucket of Awesome.
You don’t lose drops for every misstep. You can only build. You can only fill.
I
walked Magoo to the bus. Drop of Awesome!
I
fed him fruit with breakfast. Drop of Awesome!
I
told him I loved him. Drop of Awesome!
I
wore a bra and brushed my teeth before schlepping it up that hill. Two Fat
Drops of Awesome!
All
day long I chanted these words in my head. I picked up that tootsie roll
wrapper off the front porch instead of stepping over it for the eleventy
hundredth time. Drop of Awesome! I unloaded one dish from the dishwasher when I
walked through the kitchen on my way to the bathroom. Drop of Awesome! I texted
my sad neighbor to say I was thinking about her. Drop of Awesome! I had a
critical thought about one of my kids and I brushed it away and replaced it
with love. Drop of Awesome!
When
I started thinking about my life in terms of adding these little Drops of
Awesome for every tiny act of good, I found that I was doing more and more of
them because it’s a lot more fun to do good when you’re rewarded with joy,
rather than being guilted about every failure in your past.
By
the end of the day, I had realized something important. If I was spending time
with my kids, really listening to them with attention in the moment, then I
was a good listener, regardless of the 50 other times I’d brushed them
off or multi-tasked while they were talking over the past week. If I was
engaged in sincere prayer with my Heavenly Father, really communing with him
and seeking his will, then I was a person who engages in sincere prayer,
regardless of how my prayers were (or weren’t) yesterday and the day before
that and the day before that.
As
I added up these Drops of Awesome, I found that in those moments I actually
became the person I had always wanted to be.
Have
you ever said any of these things: “Well, I guess I don’t work out anymore,”
because you missed one workout? Or, “I always fight with my brother. Our
relationship is broken.” What about, “I’m kind of a nag to my spouse.” Or “I
gossip and I always end up hurting people I love.” “I can’t stop spending
money. We will never get out of debt.” “My house is always a disaster.”
These
things are lies, depending on the next decision you make, the next Drop of
Awesome you put in your bucket. You may have done these things or have a hard
time with them but they don’t define you and you can change this very instant.
You may not think you can change permanently but you can change the next choice
you make. And as you change that one next tiny choice, you may think, I got
this one Drop of Awesome but I may never be able to get another one again.
And
that’s okay.
You
made the right choice once. And in that moment you were the person you want to
be and that is a triumph. For one night, you were a person who went to bed
early. One morning you woke up and the first words out of your mouth were
positive so you were a morning person in that moment. Bam! Drop of Awesome.
You
do not need to wait three months to be who you want to be. Pick up ten things
right now and say, “Drops of Awesome! I am someone who takes care of my house.
That is who I am. I have proof.”
In
the end, it’s really about allowing yourself to feel joy and allowing yourself
to be proud of the small victories of life. This builds momentum and you want
more drops in your bucket and when you don’t get as many, you pick yourself up
and say, “What can I do next?”
Now,
there are a whole lot of religious implications to this because, as a
Christian, I believe that you are not the only one adding these Drops of
Awesome to your bucket. Christ commanded us to be perfect, but through His
atonement, He is with us every step of the way.
As
an object lesson when I was teaching this to the teenage girls at church, I
gave them each a small dropper and I put a 2-quart bowl on the table. I told
them that throughout the lesson they would get the chance to put drops in the
bucket for every Drop of Awesome they could think of that they’d done. I
promised them that we would fill the bowl to overflowing by the end of the lesson.
With
about 5 minutes to go, we had barely begun to fill the bowl and the girls were
looking around at each other nervously. The promised overflow did not look
likely. Were they not awesome enough?
At
that point, I pulled out a large pitcher labeled ATONEMENT and poured water
into the glass bowl until it was spilling out all over the table and the towel
the bowl was resting on. The class went silent.
When
we are in a relationship with Christ, striving as God’s sons and daughters to
do His will, He pours more into our buckets than we can ever hope to imagine.
He can fill us to overflowing with peace, with joy, with perfection, with
Awesome. And then what do we do if our bucket is overflowing like that? Where
does the Awesome go then?
I
pulled out an identical bowl, twice the size of the original. Our capacity for
joy and light increases. And we just keep working, one tiny drop at a
time. And we don’t compare today’s drops to yesterday’s or tomorrow’s. And we
live and we love and we repent when we do wrong and we allow ourselves to be
glorious, beautiful, and dare I say perfect in Christ, children of God.
I
believe in a God who loves us and roots for us and cheers for every Drop of
Awesome we can manage. Our victories are His victories and He wants us to feel
joy. Not later, when we no longer make mistakes, but right now.
I’m
gonna close this uber long post out with a scripture from the Book of Mormon. I
know many of you do not share my faith but I think you’ll find truth in these
words:
“Now
ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that
by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in
many instances doth confound the wise.” (Alma 37:6)
Small
and simple. Tiny drops. Go forth. Be Awesome.
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